


There are things that we can have, but can't keep

by rafamarkos5998



Category: Batman (Comics), DCU (Comics), Heroes in Crisis (DCU Comics), Red Hood and the Outlaws (Comics)
Genre: Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, Angst and Tragedy, BAMF Stephanie Brown, Bruce Wayne is a Bad Parent, Drinking, Grief/Mourning, Hurt Jason Todd, Hurt No Comfort, I hate RHatO #27, I'm just venting my frustrations with life here, Jason Todd Needs A Hug, Jason Todd is Red Hood, M/M, No beta we die like mne, Roy is dead, Sad Dick Grayson, Self-Hatred, Too Much Drinking, also, and, and Jason isn't coping well, and rise like jason did, and roy has to, and we do not deal with it, because his Little Wing isn't doing so hot, because there's no time, because we demand justice dammit, mostly because things do not get resolved at the end, she sticks it to Bruce, so here's my humble presentation of an alternative, thank you for coming to my Ted Talk, vent fic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-18
Updated: 2020-10-18
Packaged: 2021-03-09 02:22:24
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,691
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27067093
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/rafamarkos5998/pseuds/rafamarkos5998
Summary: Roy is gone, and Jason just wants to see him again. There are words that he wanted to say, words that he will never get a chance to say again. Maybe the alcohol will drown the pain.a.k.a. Jason gets drunk to cope with Roy dying. He's hammered on patrol and tries to get drunk with Killer Croc, spilling the beans to the rest of the Bats. There is a predictable period of angst, but what is it really worth?
Relationships: Alfred Pennyworth & Jason Todd, Batfamily Members & Jason Todd, Cassandra Cain & Jason Todd, Dick Grayson & Jason Todd, Jason Todd & Bruce Wayne, Roy Harper & Waylon Jones, Roy Harper/Jason Todd, Stephanie Brown & Jason Todd, Tim Drake & Jason Todd, Waylon Jones & Jason Todd
Comments: 14
Kudos: 242





	There are things that we can have, but can't keep

**Author's Note:**

> This is a story idea that's been rolling around in my skull and didn't fit into any of the other things I'm working on, so here it is. Please be kind.

Jason flew across the rooftops of Gotham, soaring over the crowds below and watching the world around him blur into a hazy version of an art deco piece with Gothic influences.

Despite it being 2 AM in the middle of November, he felt warm. However, that could probably be attributed to the alcohol he had consumed.

He never drank this much before. But ever since Roy... since Roy, it's been easier to bear the day to day routine with a drink. Or two.

He's had a whole bottle of whiskey tonight. But that's just because the Pit makes him more resistant to intoxication.

He can barely hear what the rest of the Bats are talking about. It's probably for the best - they have been pretty torn up about the disaster at the Sanctuary. They wouldn't take kindly to him throwing his sorrows into the pile.

For the first time in his life, Jason feels thankful for an Arkham breakout. Maybe he can drown out the emotional aches with bruises and exhaustion.

The comm crackles, as Tim comes in with an update.

"Crane has been apprehended. We're done here."

"And Red Robin going to retire for the night thanks to the broken ribs." Dick chimes in.

"That leaves Killer Croc." Steph says. "Who wants to take that one?"

"I will." Jason declares. "Where is he?"

"Luckily, he's about a mile south of where you are." Barbara sounds tired. "Probably on the ground, but I can't be sure. Too much signal interference to tell."

Yeah, she's definitely ready to be done for the night.

Thankfully, Jason has an angle he can abuse. Also, it means that he can talk to _someone_ about this whole shitshow.

He runs down the roof he's on and vaults over onto the next, leaving his grapple unused.

If he comes dangerously close to falling to his death multiple times, well, nobody needs to know that.

He lands in the alley where Croc is, and he sees the man tense as he lands.

"I don't want to fight, Waylon. Please."

That seems to make him pause for a bit.

"It's about Roy Harper."

"What about him?"

"He's dead."

* * *

The moment Dick hears Jason talk about Roy on the comms, his heart skips a beat.

He knew they had been close, and that Roy was probably one of the only people Jason trusted. Hell, given that the rogue Amazonian and the Superman clone he normally worked with were gone, Roy was probably the _only_ friend Jason had. And he had had to deal with the archer's death all alone.

Dick was mentally running through what he would tell Jason once they got back to the Cave to assure him that he didn't need to go through this alone when the next sentence threw him for a loop again.

"You know, I would let the Joker kill me on repeat if it would bring him back."

"Are you drunk, kid?" Croc - _no, Waylon, his name is_ Waylon _, and he was important to Roy_ \- said, concern lining his voice.

"Yeah, I know, bad idea, but it hurts less that way. I'm allowed a bit of weakness, aren't I?"

"I know it hurts, but you gotta grit your teeth and live, kid. It's what Roy would have wanted."

Jason's answering laugh was cold and harsh and mirthless.

"It's funny, how I was the guy who lived with him the longest, and how everyone else seems to know exactly what he would have wanted. I, for one, have no clue."

"Kid-"

"When he died, did he regret going there? He didn't exactly want to leave me when he went, but I convinced him that it was good for him. And look how that turned out."

"You couldn't have known."

"I should have. I knew I wasn't good enough to keep him around, but he didn't have to die to prove that point, did he?"

"He wouldn't have left you. He was as serious about it as you were."

_Wait, that makes no sense. Serious about what?_

"You know, I bought this a couple of days ago."

Dick heard the rustle of Jason's clothes - he was probably removing something from one of his eighteen jacket pockets.

"I found them one day when we were passing through Paris, between missions. I snuck out of our hotel room and bought them. I was waiting for him to come out of there... I was going to take him to that shitty diner in Star City that he liked so much and order every item on the menu and hire a band to play some romantic music and-"

Yeah, Dick would prefer to not hear any more of this conversation, thank you very much.

Jason's voice began to tremble even more, and Dick swore he could hear weeping on the line.

Fortunately, Barbara snaps them out of the trance that they are in.

"Nightwing, you and Tim are the closest. The Batmobile should be at your location... about now."

"Yes, it's here. Can you set the autopilot? I need to handle T-Red Robin here."

Thankfully, Tim doesn't protest much.

"I just want to see him again..." Jason's voice is cracking, and Dick was sure that he could hear hiccups.

"Let's go, Tim."

"Bring him back to the Cave. We will need to keep him under observation to prevent him from doing anything... rash."

"And if either you or Dick or Tim attempt to do that, I'm going to punch you in the face, and I'm sure Cass will be with me on that one."

"Yes." Cass' monosyllabic replies were great at settling conversations, as always.

"Bruce, you could attempt to show some genuine human emotions here." Barbara quipped. "It won't kill you."

"We're settled in and on our way. We're going to go through the Cave, yes, but just to be clear, you are not putting him in a cell, Bruce."

"He is intoxicated and emotionally unstable. He would be-"

"A danger to himself alone, at this point." Tim interjected. "I'd rather not have to deal with that idea, so we're going to give him some nice comfy clothes and a decent bed to sleep in for once."

Dick felt the anxiety about taking Tim along fade a bit, but it was promptly replaced by another source when Waylon's voice popped up on the comms again.

"Kid, don't chug the bottle. That's _whiskey_ , not beer."

"Yeah, I've got pretty high tolerance. Don't get drunk that easy."

"Hey Tim, can you take care of yourself back there for a bit? I need to speed this up."

He wouldn't let his Little Wing continue to suffer like this.

* * *

Bruce waited in the Cave, anxiously tapping his foot as he sat in the Batchair. He was monitoring the progress of the Batmobile as it navigated blocked streets that had suffered damage thanks to the fighting, constantly glancing at the Batcave's blast doors.

He cursed himself for not realising that his son was in a relationship, and also for letting their relationship deteriorate to the point that Jason was not comfortable with telling him about the fact that he was in a relationship.

A relationship that was apparently serious enough for Jason to disregard his usual trust issues and take the plunge by buying rings.

The Batmobile roared into the Cave, and Bruce turned his head sharply to face the three sons sitting within.

From what he had heard on the comms, Jason had become strangely compliant when they got there. Probably because he had been _chugging a bottle of whiskey_ before they got there, and they had no clue how intoxicated he had been before he started drinking with Waylon.

The man had been strangely subdued when the two ex-Robins got there, agreeing to peacefully go to Arkham and wait for an escort to take him there. Still, Bruce, Steph and Cass personally accompanied him to his cell, although they managed to behave civilly during the process.

Steph even offered her condolences, which Waylon graciously accepted. It was an extraordinary affair, all told.

As Dick opened the door and got Tim out, Bruce observed that Jason was asleep in the front seat. With his helmet off and his face relaxed, he looked like the young man that he was.

He could pretend that his son had just come home drunk after a wild night of partying, instead of thinking about the fact that his son was trying to drown out the pain of his partner dying thanks to his venture backfiring horribly.

As Dick rushed into the Cave to get a wheelchair for Tim, who kept protesting against his eldest's 'mother hen mode', he heard Jason groan as he woke up.

Tim was in the chair when Jason was awake, but still within sight. Which meant that Jason _had_ to say something about it, and throw them for a loop again.

"Hey Timbo, that you?"

"...Yes, it is, Jason."

"...I'm sorry that I tried to kill ya. I am."

Tim sighed. "We've been over this, Jason, I understand why you did it. I might not forgive you for it, but I get it."

"I know. I don't wanna be forgiven. But I was... bein' bad. Is that why Roy died? Because I was bad?"

Tim went white as a sheet.

"Hey Babybird, I'm really sorry. I know I don' have the right to ask for forgiveness, but could ya... forgive Roy at least? He didn't do anything wrong."

Tim seemed too shocked for a reply, he probably wasn't sure what he could say that would make sense to Jason in the inebriated state he was in.

"I'm sorry, Tim... I get it. I wouldn't want ta help the guy who tried to kill me. Tell ya what, you take the week to think it over, okay? Roy's a good guy, Dick would tell ya that. He deserves to live. Can ya try, at least? The way ya tried with Bruce?"

"...Okay. I will."

"Thanks, Timbo."

Thankfully, Jason fell silent after that. Tim took a deep breath, and Dick shakily wheeled him over to the med bay, where Alfred was waiting. The old man looked nothing like the composed, supportive grandfather he usually was - his lower lip was trembling, and his eyes seemed to be glistening with unshed tears. Thankfully, his hands were steady, so he could operate on Tim.

Unfortunately, this gave Jason time to wrangle himself out of the car, and it seemed as though his comment about being able to hold his drinks had some merit to it since he was able to get out somewhat easily given how much alcohol he had consumed.

To make matters worse, Steph and Cass were now in the audience, having changed into casuals for the rest of the night. If Jason got into a fight with Bruce, odds were they would take Jason's side.

As soon as Jason saw Bruce, he decided to make a beeline for him.

"Hey B, nice ta see ya! How're you doing?"

"I'm... fine, Jason."

"That's good. Me, not so much, but I guess I'll get there. Or maybe not, who knows. Maybe I'll get pissed and kill someone, and you'll put me in Arkham like you've always wanted and I'll finally die to the Joker again."

Bruce's brain screeched to a halt. _What was that?_

"Hey, Bruce, I wanna make a deal with ya. Ya bring Roy back, an' I... an' I go to Arkham, or Blackgate, or Belle Reve, or wha'ever hole ya wan' to put me into. No protesting, no bad behaviour, nothing. I'll be good."

Bruce was at a loss as to what to reply with. Unfortunately, Jason took his hesitance as a sign to make an even more blood-curling offer.

"Hey, I'll do one better. Ya bring Roy back, and I'll go back to being dead. Wha'ever method you want. I can go get a drug overdose, die in a car accident, get blown up in a warehouse for the third time, ya choose what you want. Hell, I'll even let ya slit my throat again."

 _Shit_. Jason was really out of it, he wouldn't have mentioned that incident before the family if he had been even slightly aware of his actions.

He felt Dick's stare bore into his skull, joined by Steph's shocked glare and Cass' cold gaze of disappointment. This was not going to be an easy discussion.

"Jason, it's a bit late. Why don't you go to bed and we can discuss this in the morning?"

"...Okay, old man."

That was... strangely easy. Jason would have to be _extremely_ drunk for that to happen.

He stumbled away towards the elevator up to the manor, with Damian wordlessly joining him. Presumably to keep him from making too much of a fool of himself. Or probably because of the look he had shared with Dick when the older sibling came back. Bruce hadn't even noticed Damian there.

As the doors closed, Dick's gaze turned particularly murderous.

 _This is going to be a problem_.

* * *

Before Dick could get into his long-winded rant about how they needed to be a family, Steph decided to get her point in. The boys in the room seemed to be primed for throwing around their man-pain, and Steph had no desire to engage in that discussion.

She slowly strode up to Bruce and put a hand on his shoulder. Under different circumstances, it would have been comical. She might have gotten Tim to take a picture to immortalise the moment.

Instead, she decided to get to the point.

"You okay?"

Bruce nodded.

"Good, that makes me feel better about this."

Before Bruce could react, she lashed out at his knee with a fierce kick she had learned from Cass, and when the old man went down for a moment thanks to the shock and the sheer effectiveness of the technique, Steph punched him in the nose. Hard.

Probably not hard enough to cause any damage, but hard enough to hurt, at least. Ah, you make do with what you can get.

Nobody makes a move to stop her.

"You back with us, Bruce?"

Bruce nodded and asked the obvious question.

"Would you mind explaining yourself?"

"Simple. You needed a reminder that this isn't about you. And that was probably better than any lecture Dick could give. But just in case it didn't land - Jason is hurting. He just lost the love of his life to a tragic accident, and he's been dealing with it alone. So irrespective of how the rest of this discussion goes, remember that this isn't about you."

"I know it's not about me. But that was unwarranted."

"Oh, it was anything _but_ unwarranted." Dick replied, his tone laced with venom.

"Look, I know I haven't really handled this situation well, but I had no idea that he was involved with Roy Harper."

"That's not the issue here, Bruce." Tim interjected.

"In fact, there are three pretty big issues here, Bruce." Dick says, his voice dangerously calm. Dick only sounded like that when he was _mad_. "The first one is that Jason came to the conclusion that you wanted him dead. The second one is that he's lost enough of his sense of self-worth to offer you his life that easily. The third one is that you actually slit his throat."

"I did not slit his throat."

"So you're telling me Jason lied? Because he didn't seem to be in a state where he would be capable of doing that."

"No, I'm merely stating that he's exaggerating things. He was trying to ask me to kill the Joker. Or let him do it himself. I took a calculated risk and threw a Batarang at the base of his neck. He failed to defend himself, but he did let go of the Joker. That was the only way to make sure he didn't die at Jason's hands or mine."

A shocked silence descended onto the Cave.

"...What the fuck was that?" Stephanie demanded.

"I don't know, but whatever that was, it was _bullshit_." Dick stated.

"Look, I don't expect you to sympathise with me, but-"

"Okay, so if I understand this correctly, Jason threatened to kill the Joker, _the guy who murdered him_ , and your logical response to that was to brutally assault Jason and leave him to die?"

"I only disabled him to the best of my ability. The Joker was the one who blew up the building. And when I found him in the rubble, he needed medical attention. I couldn't just leave him."

"And yet you could leave your son, whose throat you had just sliced, under a few tons of collapsed building so that you could save the Joker and call yourself a good guy?"

"You have to admit, Bruce, that was a bad call."

"He clearly made it out just fine."

"Okay, here's a bit of advice - 'my kid can take a beating, so me beating him is fine' is not something you want to imply _in front of a cop_. Second, going by that logic, what possible cause do you have for going after Jason when he shot the Penguin?"

"He didn't tell us that he planned to use a blank. And that he had made sure the man would live."

"Okay, but it turned out fine, so shouldn't you at least apologise for the unnecessary violence?"

"I did not do anything to him that he could not handle with ease."

"Again, 'my kid can handle me beating the shit out of him' is not a defence you want to use before a cop."

"Luckily, I think I can guess why he beat him." Stephanie declares.

"What is the meaning of this?" Bruce demanded.

"Simple. Selina dumped you, you got pissed, and took it out on Jason."

Bruce fell silent after that.

"As much as I would like to grill you about that, we got bigger issues here. So here's what you're going to do."

Steph's tone and expression were both terrifying, and Bruce found himself nodding furiously.

"Tomorrow, you're going to apologise to him. And you're going to support him while he's dealing with this. Is that clear?"

"...Yes."

"Good. And just for your safety, just... don't force yourself on him as soon as he wakes up just to be done with it. It won't help anyone."

Bruce nodded.

Satisfied, Steph and Cass left. Dick looked like he wanted a word, but he joined them in the elevator.

Turning around, he saw Alfred looking at him with a strange expression that he couldn't place. It looked... sad.

Whatever. He could deal with that later.

* * *

As Master Jason slept in the bed he'd been laid in by young Master Damian, Alfred sat in the nearby chair as he watched over the young boy - or was he a man now? It was hard to determine which, given what he had seen, done and withstood at that tender age - curled up on one side of the bed. He was clearly used to having a partner on the other side.

And that sent a pang of hurt through Alfred, to have his grandson lose the love of his life before he even got to drinking age.

Fate seemed to have a twisted sense of humour, torturing the good people with such misfortune.

Master Jason stirred in bed, as he woke up.

"Alfie?"

"Good morning, Master Jason. How are you feeling?"

"Like shit."

"Language." Alfred's reply came on instinct.

"Sorry, Alfie. Did I do anything stupid?"

"No, it was merely extremely worrying."

"What did I say?"

"You spoke of Roy Harper. And... some troubling incidents with Master Bruce."

Jason fell silent after that.

"My boy, you did not need to keep that a secret."

"Would any of you have believed me?"

"I would like to believe we would have at least attempted to verify the veracity of your statements. As it stands, Master Bruce himself did not deny what he did."

"He probably believed you would support his decisions. I certainly did."

Alfred didn't have much to say to that. What could you tell a boy who had been rejected so violently by his father and had seen his entire family stand against him for so long?

"I assure you, Master Jason, we will be having a conversation with Master Bruce about this."

"You said that he admitted to it. So what's that conversation going to be about?"

"We need to determine what his thought process was at the moment so that we can determine what sort of punishment he deserves."

"Don't bother, Alfie. It doesn't matter."

"No, Master Jason, it does matter. I assure you, we will not take this lightly-"

"Even if you do the impossible and take the suit away, he's going to pull a Mel Gibson and be back within a year. Dick isn't capable of being Batman long-term, it's going to kill him. And even if he does fill in for a while, once a few months have passed, and your guilt is just a bad memory, he'll come back asking for forgiveness and a second chance, and you'll give it to him."

"Master Jason, I am not going to disregard what he has done to you-"

"For now. But tell me - can you stop yourself from forgiving him when he comes back asking for the suit and a second chance?"

Alfred felt shame rise in him, as he tried to grapple with the idea of not forgiving against Master Bruce. The boy was essentially his son, how could he do that?

"He's your son, Alfie. You'll side with him. I don't want to force you to choose."

Master Jason rose from the bed, but Alfred remained frozen in place.

"Goodbye, Alfie. Don't worry about it, it doesn't matter."

A part of him was screaming at him to get up and stop the young man from leaving, but he couldn't move.

Master Jason left. Alfred remained in the room, unable to move or think.

Steph came into the room, carrying a couple of books.

"Alfred? What happened? Where is Jason?"

A sob tore itself through Alfred's throat.

"He's gone."

* * *

**Author's Note:**

> I didn't see a way to write a satisfying conclusion here, because there isn't one. So I tried to spin it into something else. I hope it worked for you.
> 
> Also, I finally figured out how to do end-of-section markers properly. I'm supposed to be a dev, and I just found out what the `hr` tag was.


End file.
